HOW DO YOU GIVE WHAT YOU DIDN’T GET AS A CHILD?

A stretch of Stepcouples

As a counselor, I have heard a lot of stories, many of which amaze me:

Mom had been married 4 times. One of my stepfather sexually abused me.

I saw my stepfather beat my mother.

My dad left us for another woman when I was 7.

Mom was mentally ill and hospitalized for long periods at a time.

I just remember my father drunk all the time.

If you have similar stories in their memory banks, refer to this article. You grew up with a bad road map for how to love, trust and support of another person in a relationship. You do not have parents in their relationship or you get your needs met early childhood constantly. His early losses probably forced him to grow up with insecurity and anger.

When taking medical histories, I see that many of you have left home early. Some girls got pregnant and married their high school boyfriends. Guys left as soon as possible at 18 and never returned. He was strong and determined not to require parents… or anyone. You were the survivors!

Fast forward things changed. Many of you were successful careers and fiercely independent. Then came the love far and hooked up the hope that might make differently from their parents. Many of you married people with children in tow from previous relationships. You became a stepcouple with the obligation to care for and help raise the other children.

This is where his early childhood experiences deliver an ugly Pall. How can you know about loving, trusting and supporting a person in an intimate relationship? How can you know about putting other people's needs first, especially the needs of children. You've been alone and self-reliant and self-centered… for years. You've been in complete control of their lives. Now you're in a relationship. Its buttons are going to be pushed and will be a huge learning curve and to get what they want and need.

But I always tell people, it is feasible, if you're willing to do the job.
* Take slowly. Be patient with yourself. Recognize how this can be difficult for you.
* Do not set yourself up for the lack of setting unrealistic expectations from the outset. You do not know what to expect to be open and flexible. Be prepared to be influenced by their partner in a healthy way.
* Focus on building a relationship with her partner on the basis of something different from what you experience as a child. Share other stories.
* Learn to speak, listen and hear each other. Talk about what you want and listen to what he / she wants. Be prepared to ask for help and understanding.
* Remember, this is new territory, and you want it to the past - be patient. Allow your partner to know you and vice versa. Allowing the familiarity and confidence to build.

What about his past stands in your way of its stepcouple and stepfamily relationships?